30 July 2007

Here are some pics that were taken recently. The first is of Michelle, Sarah, Abby and I during small group at Bible Study (it was the night we presented Abby with her new pocket Bible). The second photo is of Mike and I in my living room Dinner Night one night this past July (isn't he so handsome??). :D

It happened in a dream . . .

So today I had my final exam for my Fundamentals Nursing class. I studied last night (despite the things going around in my head about other issues). I got a good nights sleep. I woke up late, but left earlier than expected, I even had a granola bar for breakfast! The day is going well, I thought to myself as I walked in the Health Sciences Building.

Some other students are sitting at the desks in the hall doing some last minute studying. I notice they are all studying from their dosage calculation book. That's odd, I think to myself. I ask them if they think there will be some dosage calculations on the medication test today. "No, we're studying for our dosage calc exam."

Oh, the dosage calc exam. "Is that today?" I ask them.

"Yes, did you forget about it?"

The look on my face must have said it all. Yes, I completely forgot about the dosage calc exam. I have become so scatter brained lately! It's not like it's really important or anything. You just have to pass before you can start nursing classes in August, that's all. Oh, you have to pass with a 90% too.

All I could do was laugh. So I did. They looked nervous about it, I laughed. Oh well, I said. In a past life I would have been a nervous wreck on the floor, but not now. Oh well. I did some last minute studying for my medication test and we all went in to take our exams.


I did check my grades on line when I got to work. (yes, they were back that fast). I got a 92/A on the medication test and 100% on the dosage calc test.

I guess laughing is a good cure for the I forgot to study for my really important test jitters. :)

28 July 2007

Where to begin?

Well, it's been awhile since I've written . . . . that is because I have been really sick with strep throat this week, so I was down and out for a couple of days. But thanks to cephalexan, I am feeling a whole lot better. :) (Die evil streptococcus bacteria, die! lol, had to put that in there, because that's how I feel when I take my antibiotic, and how much I despise and detest being sick.)

I did have my nursing lab final on Tuesday in my Fundamentals class. I did manage to get a 98, although I'm not sure how I did that, since I was feeling so terrible (and probably had a fever too). The skill I ended up having to demonstrate was nasopharyngeal suctioning (the one that I was the least comfortable doing, of course), but it all went well. Michelle was really great and drove me to school since I didn't feel strong enough to drive myself. She had bought the Harry Potter book, so she waited at a near-by Starbucks and read while I took my test.

I would like to write more, but I just spoke with Kyle, (I called him because Thomas wasn't home this morning) and Thomas had crashed at Kyle's. So they're going to come over for pancakes soon, and I have to go to the store and get some milk and stuff for that. I called Mike and sent him a text, but he must be asleep, because he hasn't returned them. He worked really hard this week out in the field on an exercise, so I'll just let him sleep.

Until later . . . .

P.S. Very special thanks to Abby for making me chicken noodle soup and blueberry muffins and OJ and bringing them to me Monday night and very special thanks to Michelle for the pasta and bread and for driving me. You guys are so awesome! Thank you so much!

18 July 2007

Just a flick of the Wrist

This week in nursing class (fundamentals) we have been learning how to give injections. And man is it fun!! :D We learned how to draw up solution, mix solutions and draw up injections and then actually give injections (IM and SQ). We also got to practice on oranges in class, which was so much fun. Actually, at one point, I felt a little weird because when everyone else took a break, I was still sitting there drawing up air and injecting the orange. I can't help myself, it was just so fun! Of course, giving meds is incredibly responsibility-laiden and such. You have your 6 patient rights: Right patient, right medication, right dose, right route (i.e. PO, IM, IV, etc etc), right time, right documentation. We also learned all about the MAR (medication administration record) which was a little confusing. There is so much stuff to write in such small boxes! I can't believe that the semester is almost over! It feels like we just started yesterday. In some ways, it also feels like ages ago when we started. It has been a grueling semester in some regards. Tons of reading. I just totalled the pages quickly - about 650 pages in my main fundamentals book, plus 12 chapters of dosage calculation, and two other books for the Intro class. The fundamentals book is the main book, so that's what I've been focusing on. Of course dosage calc is important (very important), but math is fairly easy for me. So next week, we have one more lab to practice our skills, then we have our lab checkoff on Tuesday (which I am really nervous about), and we have our final on Monday the 30th. In my Intro class, I have a case study to do, which is basically practice for writing Nursing Care Plans. I like it, but it's not that easy. Nursing has a ton of different diagnoses, and then there are three categories. So basically when a patient comes into the hospital, the doctor gives them a medical diagnosis, and the nurse gives them nursing diagnoses. The can have an actual diagnosis, a risk of diagnosis and a possible diagnosis. It's all very interesting.

And actually, the baccelaureate nursing program focus more on nursing theory, and the theories are really interesting. Since we learned about theories and some of the main nursing theorists, I have really wanted to dabble in creating my own nursing theory. I haven't really gotten much chance to write about it, so I've just been holding onto it in my mind. And of course, one doesn't actually write and develop a nursing theory formally until the graduate level, but I won't let that stop me. I'm not going to publish it or anything. Basically, I would like to develop a nursing theory regarding the spiritual aspect of healing. Nursing is a holistic practice, and spiritually is usually included in assessing, diagnosing, etc. There is not a main nursing theory focusing on the spiritual aspect of healing and the spiritual aspect of care giving. So over the course of nursing school, I would like to revisit and revise my little "nursing theory". We'll see what happens.

Well, I was going to write more, but I have to be going now . . . more later tonight! :)

17 July 2007


I only have one more week until my lab skills check-off!! Yikes!! I'm starting to get a little nervous about that. We have to demonstrate (correctly) 2 skills, not of our choosing, to our professors. The skills are: nasogastric tubing and suctioning, sterile bandaging technique, inserting and removing a catheter, oxygenation and oropharyngeal suctioning, or . . . or. . . I feel like there's one more, but I can't remember right now. Hmmm . . .

Well, I would really like to write more, but it's 2359 and I have to wake up in 6 hours and I still have to get ready for bed and read my Bible . . . perhaps tomorrow I'll be able to write more . . .

Until then . . .

"this magic moment . . . da da da daaa . . . this magic moment" - i have that song stuck in my head for some reason, but I can only remember that one line of lyrics . . .. Must be because I met Mike for some icecream tonight and we went to WalMart together to get stuff for dinner for Dinner Night tomorrow night . . . :D

12 July 2007

Rain, rain, rain!

This morning when I left for school, it was a gorgeous morning. Partly cloudy skies, the sun was out. Just glorious. Driving to school, I could see a cold front coming in from the north (since I drive north to school) and actually once I got under the wall cloud (it wasn't actually a wall cloud, but close enough), it was actually quite dark. I actually thought it was so beautiful the way the dark gray cloud just stretched hither and thither across other wise blue and white sky, just meandering from west to east. Of course I was talking to God and telling Him how much I loved Him and how great I thought His creation was. :D Then it started sprinkling. Then it started raining harder and harder.

Well, by the time I got to the exit for 2nd street (UCO is off 2nd street), it was raining so hard, there was really low visibility. It still, at this point, not dawned at me that I would have to get out of my truck to walk to class. So I'm driving down the road and I get to the school.

I turn into the parking lot, and even though it's 20 minutes until class starts, there are no parking spots left in the lot next to the nursing building. So, I have to get back out onto 2nd street, go the next block over and park and walk to the nursing building. And it's still pouring. And I'm seeing completely drenched students splashing hurridly to their vehicles.

And oh yeah, there's cloud-to-ground lightning and lots of thunder.

And the parking lot is flooded.

Did I mention that since I had to go to work right after class, I was in a long skirt and heels?

Still a beautiful morning, still loving the rain. And it's not cold, just about 70 degrees or so.

So I put my books in my book bag in my truck, and remember to grab my umbrella. The umbrella that I haven't actually opened up in more than a year because I don't like using umbrellas. I figured today was a good day to use it again.

So I put my hoodie on (I had one in my truck since it gets so cold in class) and open the door. It is absolutely pouring rain. Huge, drenching, tropical-weather-like rain drops. I open up the umbrella, grab my purse and head off across the parking lot.

10 seconds later the wind blows my umbrella inside out and it breaks. Not good.

Another 20 feet and there is water in my heels from the flooded parking lot.

So I pretty much said screw it, closed the umbrella and took my heels off and preceded to walk to class bare-foot in the rain.

By the time I got to the nursing building (it took about 4 or 5 minutes of brisk walking to get there), I was soaked. (*Note to self: don't walk bare-foot across the sidewalk made of little tiny stones, it hurts.*) My skirt was completely soaked through and my hoody was extremely wet. I was literally dripping with water and pouring water out of my heels when I stepped into the building.

Oh yeah, and it was FREEZING in the building.

I made little puddles on the way to class, came in and sat down. I did take my hoody off, which helped a little bit with the being cold, but my skirt didn't actually dry until the end of class. And my heels didn't dry until about half way through class.

At least I have a water proof book bag. :)

All in all, I wasn't mad that I got soaked or anything. I still love the rain and still think it was a beautiful morning.

I just need to be more prepared for any kind of weather next time.

Any maybe buy a new umbrella. :)

New perspective on things

"In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And
Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It isgood." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs."

Tegan's 2 cents on this:

I think Satan is behind a lot of Democratic schemes (HMO's, saying red meat is bad for you, vegetarian diets, etc etc).

I don't know about you, but I'm feeling guilty about what I ate for lunch (McDonald's). Abby, I hope you're up for a good run tonight. :) I don't really watch TV at all, but I don't eat as much greens as I should.

Abby is always telling that she views exercising and eating right as a way of taking care of your temple. I agree. This email that I got just kind of put things in an interesting perspective that I hadn't really thougt of before.

Kind of makes me want to eat more wheat products . . . (Abby, I know you're going "Yay!" to that one! lol )

11 July 2007

Bible study in Bricktown

This is most of us from the Bible Study when we went out to Bricktown for Memorial Day! :) (I finally got the pic from Kyle). Katherine was there too, but somehow, she didn't make it into the pic. :( . . . . Next time we need to get Sarah and James to go with us too! I love everyone in the Bible study so much! They are my family! And they are all so awesome!

Not my decision

Last night I went out with Mike for our date night. We met at the Korean House on SE 29th - I think that place is rapidly becoming a favorite for us (their Sanchae Dol Sot is sooo good!) We met at 2000 because he ended up getting off of work really late. (He got recalled at 0430, and then they didn't release everyone until 1930, talk about a long day! Poor Mike.) He wore a really nice shirt just for me! He looked really nice. :) We talked about a lot of different stuff. He never ceases to amaze me with how strong of a spiritual leader that he is. Of course the subject of marriage came up, as it often does with us. I told him that regarding the day and stuff that I wanted him and Thomas to talk about it and decide and I would be happy with whatever date they came up with. Of course Mike has even asked me yet, so maybe we're getting a little ahead of ourselves here . . .

You know I feel really humbled and grateful to Jesus for putting Mike and I together. I was telling Mike last night that it seems like Mike did everything right, waited (purity wise) and asked the Father for a wife and trusted Him, and the Lord gave him me. I don't think I deserve such a great man, but I am very grateful that we are together. I pray very often that I can be the best girlfriend and Lord-willing, wife, to Mike that I can be.

You know, even though I am so tired, I am happy today. I am having a really great day! :) The Lord is so awesome, I love Him so much!

Oh, and I found out yesterday that my sister-in-law (Michael's wife Sarah) is having a baby girl!! They are due Dec 4th. Hopefully Michael will be back from Iraq in time for the baby to be born. :)

Just for Thomas

Hey - the title thing is working again! Yay!

Well, last night I decided to do some cleaning after Abby and I went running. Even though I had a really long day yesterday, and I didn't get home from running with Abby until about 2345, I decided that I really need to clean my apartment, at least just a little bit.

So I looked around to decide what I should clean. I figured I should start small since honestly it's been a while since I've cleaned. So I cleared off the dining room table and put the things away that were sitting on it. Then I moved the table back into the corner, since it hadn't really moved from it's hastily placed spot when I moved into my aparmtent. Then I cleaned the glass. Then I cleaned the glass coffee table. Then I decided to move the small end table out of Thomas' room and into the living room, so I did that and set up a lamp on it. Then I decided that I needed to move one of the book cases to the other side of the room to make room for the couch that we'll be picking up from Abby and Asher on Friday night (hopefully). So I took all the books and binders off of that book case (it's the black one), and moved it across the living room. It's really not that heavy (it's one of those 6 ft ones). Then I put all the books back. Then I moved the living room chair against the wall. And straightened out the movies and stuff. And cleaned the other end table off of stuff. And cleaned all the miscellaneous paperwork that had been accumilating that I needed to file.

So that felt good. Then I realized that I really needed to vaccuum. So I vaccuumed the living room, dining room, kitchen, hall and bathroom. And since I was already vaccuuming, I decided to Swiffer the kitchen and bathroom. So I did that. And then I thought, "I really need to clean the bathroom". So I did, except the tub, I'll save that for later. And then I looked around and saw that it was clean. And it was 0100, so I was like, well, I'll just shower and then off to bed.

However, when I was in the shower, I felt like it wasn't really enough, so I thought what else I could to do to clean the apartment for Thomas. Then I realized that I could clean Thomas' room for him. He still had a lot of boxes to unpack and stuff. So I unpacked all of his boxes and set up his books and games and stuff on the shelf in his closet. And I put all his dirty clothes in the laundry basket and hung the clean ones up. And I straightened out the rest of his closet. Then I saw his sea-bag on the middle of his floor (he's been using it as a back rest when he plays his computer), so I dumpted that out and put away the rest of his clothes. And I moved all the boxes that had my stuff in it into my room.

So I looked around and thought everything looked good. So I lay down to go to sleep, because by now it was after 0200. But I couldn't sleep, so I got back up and made his bed. I knew I could one more thing for him. Then I lay back down and tried to get to sleep.

Normally I'm asleep before my head hits the pillow, but last night it took me a few minutes to get to sleep. I did finally get to sleep, but I had weird dreams that kept waking me up, so I didn't feel rested when I got up at 0800.

I was actually really excited about cleaning the apartment for Thomas. I wanted him to feel more like it was his home and stuff. So I left for work about 0845 (running just a few minutes late). Thomas called me about 0905 and he was just like "um, what happened to my room?" and I told him that I cleaned it. He actually hadn't even noticed what I'd done in the living room, so I told him to go look. He sounded really surprised. :) It was really neat.

It was worth it to stay up and do that for Thomas. I'm really glad that he came up to OK to live with me. :)

Now I just need to clean my room . . . you don't even want to know what it looks like right now . . . :)

10 July 2007


Where'd that mountain come from??

It wasn't there yesterday . . .

hmmm . . . that's weird. . . .

The mountain I'm referring to would be the upcoming fall semester. I just kind of feel like this week I am so tired, I don't know how I'm going to get through the fall semester.

The mountain rises and looms in front of me . . .

Of course, I have a tendancy to make mountains out of molehills and valleys out of peaks in my mind.

I think that I need to get some more sleep. I got 7 hours last night, which was really nice. But I only got 5 hours the night before, which is definitely not enough. I'm having trouble concentrating, which is not a good thing.

And I will be doing so much this fall. In class for two full days, 12 hours of clinicals per week, plus writing all the care plans for each clinical before it starts.

I really want to lay down and go to sleep. But I can't. I want to spend time with Mike. At least that, I can do. Tonight we have a date night. We're going out to eat and to walk the canal in Bricktown, if it's not raining. Althoug I wouldn't mind walking in the rain at all. I love the rain.

This morning I woke up to rain, one of my favorite sounds in the whole world. Rain falling in the early morning, when it's still gray outside and the sun hasn't risen yet. By the time I got outside to my truck to head to school, the sky was absolutely magnificent. How a person can look at the sky and the clouds and the sun and moon and not believe in Jesus is just beyond me. I love to tell God how much I love him and how awesome He is when I drive somewhere. I just look up at the sky and it reminds me so much of Him. He's just so awesome!

08 July 2007

Conviction and captivation

Finally convicted . . . want to be captivated.

"But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people" Eph 5:3

You know, it finally got me. It finally caught up to me. I guess for some time now I've been denying to myself that I haven't been lusting after Mike in my mind. Well, it's confession time; I'm convicted. I have been. And it's getting worse. Even with rules in place and outwardly appearing sexual purity, my mind is a war zone of sex-bombs, lie-grenades, and lust-napalms. I finally had a good week last week (thank you Jesus!), but this weekend, not so much. In fact, way worse than usual, but in a different way. And it's confession time.

I can't help it. He just looks so good. Anyway . . . that's lie right there.

I can help it. "For whatever is born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world - our faith." I John 5:4

We say that we're not going to kiss until the wedding day. That's great. We might be fooling people that we're being sexually pure. Maybe Mike is able to remain pure in his mind. And I get bombed with the napalm-lust. Mike is very touchy-feely. He shows his affection with touching. He likes to stroke my arm while he holds my hand or my fingers. And it drives me crazy. The hormones go wild. This weekend, well today actually, we drove (with Kyle and Bryce) to Texas to go to Six Flags. And Mike would lightly run his fingers on my arm while he drove, up past the elbow, and back down to my fingers and around my hand and you get the idea. Whilst I stare out at the beautiful, green Oklahoma fields and trees and the azure sky, my mind is not there. My mind is thinking about how great our wedding night is going to be . . . and what events might conspire at that time.

I do NOT want to rob our wedding night of the joy and surprise and passion because my mind has already mapped the course and it is no longer unknown territory. "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all sexually immoral." Heb 13:4. Mike and I may not be doing anything impure now physically, but my mind is already ravaging him, without his consent. Without his consent.

Without his consent.

Those words kind of hit home. Without his consent. Do I want him to be doing that to me? No. If Jesus walked up behind me right now, would I want him to know what I've been thinking? Absolutely no. I want to be pure. But my weapons are getting rusty because I'm not polishing them very well. I'm not picking up my Sword and practicing like I should be. My Breastplate is coming unhinged and my Shield is getting flimsy.

And the bombs keep coming.

I want to show Mike how passionately I love him without passionately loving him with my body. That is supposed to be for inside of marriage only. It is a covenant. A covenant and gift so great that I want to steal it before it's time. Before the gift is given to me. Jesus wants us to have that gift, but we have to wait, and we have to honor Him first. There was a time when I didn't think this way, but I am a new Creation in Christ (II Cor 5:17). I want to guard our purity now. I don't want to slowly take away from great things to delight in after the wedding day.

The walls are coming down. It dawned me that I've been slowly dismantling my wall. I had set up all these rules to protect myself. And I'm giving in. Of course rules don't stop me from doing something and they certainly don't guard my mind. They are guidelines to help me to flee from temptation. Last weekend (as I previously wrote about), I had rescinded my rule about driving together alone with Mike. Well, I guess that was just the foothold that Satan needed to get and do some damage. I guess he put a dynamite lie in that one. And the dynamite has detonated. The attack is coming in disguise. What I mean by that, is that Mike and I have been doing a Christian pre-marital counseling book together. The most recent project in the book for us is called "Great Expectations". It's about the different expectations you have of marriage, from finances, to career, to child-rearing, to house keeping, to sex. Yes, it had four, little, seemingly innocent questions about sex. Well, Mike and I talked about a few of the questions (before we met with Abby and Asher). (The non-sex questions). And then we were practically tripping over ourselves to talk about the sex questions. Well, lets just throw some kindling on that fire that was started from the lust bomb, shall we?? Burn baby burn. Yeah, I'm burning all right. Not quite to the ground, but it's painful none-the-less, I'm finding out.

So let's see: we're talking about sex, we're driving alone together, and he's stroking my arm. We're not doing so great here, are we?

I certainly am not avoiding sexual immorality. I am not a shining beacon of purity. I feel dirty. And I feel like I'm betraying Mike.

So I titled this blog, first about conviction, then about being captivated. What is that I want to be captivated about?

Mike? Yes, but more than that, I want to be captivated by Jesus. So captivated by Him and His will for my life that I want to not even come close to being impure. I want to honor Christ with my purity, with my life. I'm not doing a very good job of it. Like Asher said to Mike and I, there's the line, you don't want to come near it. It seems like lately Mike and I have been tip-toeing as close to the line as we can get without touching it. That is certainly not avoiding. We even talked about the line and how we like to live on the edge. I really don't want to live on the edge of sin. It only takes Satan one little push to bring us into his realm of deceit and death and place trust with mistrust and love with lust.

Today after Mike took me back to my apartment complex after returning early from Six Flags because of storms and Kyle and Bryce went to Kyle's car, he walked me up to my apartment. We came in for a few minutes and I put my stuff down and gave him a hug. It felt so good to press my body against his. So good in fact that I had to stop and walk across the room and sit down. My mind was doing so many things, so many wrong things. I told Mike that I was having really bad thoughts. By now he was sitting next to me on the floor holding my hand. I couldn't even look at him, because honestly, my mind was imaging me straddling him and taking off my shirt and anyway . . . I should stop writing about that part. Writing about it doesn't help things. It took so much self control to not to that. He left a few minutes after. I didn't give him a hug goodbye. I was afraid to get out of the chair because of what I might to do him. And yesterday when we were swimming, I had the strongest urge to just wrap my legs around him and, well, you get the picture there too. So I just kept swimming away from him.

So after he left, I got something to drink and went and laid down, to, release some tension shall we say? Normally I don't feel convicted about that, but this time I did. 30 seconds into it, I had to stop. It felt so wrong. I felt like I was cheating on Mike. I had never felt like that before! This is the part where I've been denying something to myself for a really long time. When I do that, I don't think about Mike (or I try not to anyway), but I do think about other things. It's a nameless, faceless (usually headless too) man. But the reality is, I am thinking about doing things with a man that is not my husband. I can't believe I have been deceived by that lie for so long. Of course, it's not like that every time, but a majority of the time. Is that staying away from the line? Is that avoiding EVERY kind of sexual immorality? No, that's living in a lust-saturated world in my head. The mind is a very powerful thing. So I stopped and next to my bed is one of Joshua Harris' books: "Boy meets girl: say hello to courtship". My Bible was there to, but honestly I felt too ashamed to talk to Jesus. So I opened up the book to the chapter entitled "True Love Doesn't Just Wait" and started reading. Convicted even more? Oh yes. I got the part about Lust is never satisfied. I already knew that (I have read the book before and from experience). Dismantling my wall comes to mind . . . Joyful anticipation about the wedding night and more with Mike very quickly turned to lusting after Mike. I don't want lust to rob us of that joy and that wonderful experience.

Usually when I get lustful thoughts, I would start saying memory verses aloud. Especially I Cor 10:13 "No temptation has seized you, except what is common to man. And God is faithful, He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." That would the swinging the Sword at the enemy. It works, and the thoughts flee, only to return again with reinforcements.

The chapter went on talk about things before marriage that are "no big deal" turning into things that are "not that special" after marriage. I have to question how much are Mike and I leaving to be desired for after the wedding night? I don't know about Mike, but I feel like I'm taking that special gift that God has for us, and not only am I quickly unwrapping it in my mind, I'm enjoying and wanting more. How much longer will it be before I can control myself no longer, and I just jump on Mike? That gift is not mine to take, it's not mine to give. If I wait on Christ and His will and honor Him, then He wants to give me that gift. But will He give it to someone who is so ready to steal it? I'm afraid to answere . . .

Mike likes to put our foreheads together when we are holding hands. It's not "touching my face", but I mean, who are we kidding here? Our faces are so close that I could reach my tongue out and caress his lips. And man when he does that, it is so incredibly hard not to kiss him. Not to run my fingers through his hair. Not to stroke his cheek. Not to passionately and lovingly and longingly kiss him. It really makes things so hard when he does that.

I am no angel here either. I have to admit that there have been times when I have stroked his arm back, and I did it in such a way that, well, I would to his back if we were making love. To be honest, that's what I think about when I stroke his arm in that particular way. (Not all the time, just with my finger tips, with my fingers curved, with just the right amount of pressure . . . ) Anyway, I'm a tease and I know I'm a tease. I don't think he realized how I'm doing that because he hasn't had sex, so he hasn't had someone do that to his back. Does that make it right, no, it doesn't. Is that avoiding all sexual immorality? No, it's not.

Now what make these things that we're doing sexually immoral? We're not married. We have not made that covenant of blood and commitment before God to each other. Our bodies don't belong to us. "Do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own?" I Cor 6:19.

" . . . do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." Song of Solomon 8:4

Hmm, it sounds to me like we're awakening love.

I don't know what else to do though. Yes it would be torturous not to even touch each other until we got married. We did a touching fast for a week at the beginning of our courtship, and that was so hard. It about drove us crazy. Can we do all things in Christ and through Christ? Yes, Phil 4:13. Should we, I'm afraid to answer. I'm not being legalist here, but I want to serve Christ first. And lately I feel like I've been serving my fleshly, sinful desires and not keeping my eyes on Christ.

Well, I guess deep down inside I know what the answers are, and I'm afraid. I'm afraid to tell Mike all this because I don't want to him to think he has failed. (He asked me on Wednesday when we were driving alone if I thought that he had failed at guarding our purity. I told him no, I didn't think he'd failed.) I'm afraid that I won't be able to hold him hand until we get married. What I should be even more afraid of though, is what will happen if we do cross that line. God's judgement upon us as adulturers. Satan's victory over us and not Christ's victory over sin. The lies and mistrust that will breed like bacteria in our lives and poison our relationship, perhaps even to the point of death. The hurt and the pain that we will inflict on each other. The empty wedding night, robbed of joyful bliss, haunted by guilt because we couldn't wait. Couldn't love each other enough to wait for what Christ has for us. Yes, I am afraid of those things. Very much.

I need to talk to Mike.

"Jesus give me the strength to say what I need to say. I want to glorify you with my life, with my body, with all my relationships. I want to give you the victory over sin. I want to serve you. I humby come before you broken, asking for forgiveness, asking for help, asking you to save Mike and I from sin, from Satan. I ask that you give us the strength and courage and power in You to do the right thing. Please help us (me) Jesus. I love you and I worship You always, forever and ever. Amen."

05 July 2007

I feel like writing

I can't resist, no matter how hungry or tired or how sore my back is (I must have terrible ergonomics or something), I must keep writing. I was browsing some blogs that are "of note" and I found a pretty cool one. I guess people get on there and write different stuff. I do love to write . . . more than just ego-centric entries about my life. But writing a story or a poem or deep ponderings of the mind and spirit.

Hmm . . . where to start?

Let's see, I'm sitting here at my desk at work, a nice office really. I have a wonderful little border that runs around my office of the beach with some birds and a half barried, half washed away white fence. Honestly it reminds me so much of one of the beaches on Tasmania that we (the family) visited back in 1990 when we went to visit Mom's family. Directly in front of my (well, on the other side of my desk and the "visiting chair" is the white wall, and the border. And I have my CCRP certificate and phlebotomy certificate framed on the wall. Ok, I thought maybe I could get some artistic romantic something or other from this, but I can't. I must be too tired. Oh well. . . . lol. . .. :D

All right, the stomach is winning, I'm going to go get something to eat. Once again the need for food, or something similar (like sleep) wins out over studying. Grrr. I'm human - when did this happen??


Ok, so it's been a while . . .

I hadn't realized how long it's been since I blogged until Abby sent me a comment. (Just a side line, I can never view comments, either mine or someone else's, online and it's very frustrating. I do have it set up though that all comments get sent to my email, so that works nicely). Anyway, so I thought I would write for a little bit.

Yestersday was the 4th of July and Mike and I went down to Ardmore in southern Oklahoma (almost all the way to Texas!) to visit Monica's mom's for a cook out and fireworks. I work with Monica, she's the new coordinator that we hired. She is really great! Anyway, it was so absolutely beautiful down there, everything was still really green from the ample rain that we have received. The fire works were really great too. Mike set a few off, it was really neat to watch him do that. Apparently he really loves to set fireworks and stuff off. I have an aversion to setting fireworks off (you could call it fear), so I didn't light any. Monica's mom has a pond in her backyard, and about 1800, the light was shining just right on it, and everything was green and gold and the water was so still that it looked a mirror of the giant oaks hanging over it and stuff. Christ is so awesome how he created that and gave us that gift!

I decided last weekend to rescind my rule about driving alone with Mike. I thought that maybe on a case by case basis, we could see, and we'll see what happens. I originally did that because I wanted to go with Mike up to Edmond to see Ron and Shelley, the missionaries from Honduras, and then we were going to go out to eat. Edmond is a really long drive that I drive three times a week (at least), and I basicially didn't want to drive all the way up there and have Mike drive up there too. It just seemed like a tiresome waste. So we drove together in his car. And everything was fine. I didn't make a move on him or anything. Although he did miss an exit on the way to dinner because he was looking at me, which was really adorably funny.

Anyway, with the missionaries - Ron and Shelley - were visiting from Honduras and I received and email last week with an invitation to go up to the Edmond LifeChurch.tv campus to see them and hang out. I have really wanted to see them again, so I forwarded the email to Mike and asked him if he wanted to go and meet them. He did, and he was actually really excited about it too. Inside, I was a little apprehensive that maybe they might not remember me or something . . . but when we got there, they recognized me right away and both gave me a hug. I introduced Mike and we sat down and got to catch up on what's been going on in the colonia and with the mission. Mike really wanted to know how things worked and I think that maybe he thought that they wouldn't need an IT guy (he didn't say that, but I could kind of tell). When Shelley said that they needed an IT guy to get the computers up and running and link up the systems and all that, Mike's face just lit up and he was like "really?!?" and he started asking even more questions. He said that he can't wait to go down to Honduras and see the mission for himself and stuff. Who knows, perhaps the Lord will call us to go down there. I really need to start working on my Spanish. I know that they do need a nurse for the clinic, and they know that I am in nursing school and won't graduate for two more years. We shall see what the Lord wills . . . after we visited for a little while, Ron, Shelley, their son Joseph, Mike and I went to the service together.

After the service, Mike and I came back to Del City and went to the Korean House for dinner. It was so good!! I had the clay pot thing (I don't know what it's called) and basically it's steamed rice, meat, and wild vegetables served in a clay pot with an egg on top. It is so good! And of course, there was potates, kim-chi, sprouts, tofu and other things served on the side. Mike and I stayed for a long time just talking about different things. It was really wonderful to be able to spend time with him.

School this week was really good. On Monday we learned how to do sterile dressing changes and how to do a "head-to-toe" physical assessment on a patient. It was so neat. We learned how to listen to the heart sounds, lung sounds and bowel sounds through auscultation (with the stethoscope), and how to peripheral pulsus, and check pupils for dilation and look for DVT's (deep vein thrombosis) in the legs. It was really neat. It is so amazing that in a few-minute assessment, you can gather so much data about a patient, physically. The sterile dressing changes were a lot of fun too. I actually really like doing sterile technique, it makes me feel all "medically" and stuff. I know, my jargin is just so wonderful . . . anyway, it's been really great. We had a test on Tuesday morning and I only got 5 hours of sleep the night before, so I diddn't do as well as I could of. I guess there's something to be said for getting sleep. I actually didn't study all that much though. I met with April like I always do on Monday nights for dinner and I taught her another discipleship lesson. She's learning a lot, and the summer is really flying by. So that took away about three hours of studying, plus the hour and a half I spent in between classes preparing the lesson for her. After I left her house I went back to the UCO Library to study until 2200 when they closed. On the way home, Thomas called me to say that the bathroom had flooded again and the toilet was stopped up, so I had to stop at WalMart to get a plunger and some other things (like food). Mike and I chatted on the phone way on the way home and he actually came up to WalMart to see me. (He is so sweet!!). So I got some stuff at WalMart that I needed and then went home. April had given me some dinner for Thomas to eat, so I heated that up for him and sat with him for a little while before he had to leave for work at 2330. I feel like I don't get to spend very much time with Thomas, so it was really great to sit with him and chat for a little while. After he left for work, I think that I studied some, oh, no, I didn't, I read my Bible for the night, that's right. Anyway, I didn't get to sleep until after midnight.

So, back to school, I didn't do so great on the test. I missed some really obvious ones. Oh well, it was worth it to not study so I could teach April and spend time with Thomas. (I just have to keep remembering that.) Then in my next class (Intro to Nursing) I got my midterm back that I took the week before, and I got a B on that one too. Oh well, I was really rushed and tired when I took that test, I kind of expected that. I'll just have to do better on the next one. And maybe actually study for the next one and read the chapters.

On Tuesday in Fundemantals we learned about fecal elimination and how to place a patient on the bed pan and do enemas and stuff like that. We got to practice with the enema bags (not on people, but just filling it up and draining it). Well, I didn't realize that you were supposed to clamp the tubing at the end when you're filling the bag, so as I was filling up my enema bag at the sink, it was draining onto my shirt and the floor. Oops. I just kind of laughed and said it was better to have that happen in the classroom lab than on the floor in front of the patient. And I happened to be wearing two shirts that day, so I just took the top shirt off. So no worries or anything. Actually after everyone was done with the lab, we still had some time left in class, so I ended up staying after everyone and practicing my skills until 1700. I'm sure the teachers were tired, but the classroom was still open. And I want to get as much practice in as I can. So I practiced one more sterile dressing change and two more NG tube placements. We're going to get tested on our skills and stuff, so I want to be prepared. Plus, I really have so much fun doing that kind of thing. It doesn't feel like work to me at all. I kind of feel like there's been a shift in my school work. I don't do as well on the paper stuff and "book learning", but I feel so comfortable and "natural" about the hands-on techniques and skills. It's usually pretty easy for me to remember how to do a skill. See on, do one, teach one. Literally. (I teach Mike when I go home and practice on him).

Today when I got to work after class (where I sit whilst I write this blog), I had sooo much work waiting for me. I got a really big chunk of it done today though, so that feels really good. I have about three inches of filing to do and some little stuff to do tomorrow, but I got the important, pressing stuff out of the way. So I feel pretty good about that.

Hmmm . . . what else is going on? Michelle, Joe and Kyle went on a trip to Illinois. Michelle just sent me a text to say the Creation museum was really awesome and they had a lot of fun. I can't wait to see the pictures. It will be weird not having them at Bible study on Friday night.

Man, I am so hungry. I haven't really had a chance to eat very much today because I've been so busy. The plus side to being too busy to eat and still working out is that I have lost weight. Yay! I guess carrying 20plus pounds of books around all the time, or more, if I happen to have my laptop, and walking all over campus (which takes about 10 minutes to walk from the library to the nursing building), plus running and not getting to eat as much (and eating healthier) is a good weight loss program! I won't say much more about that . . . .

Thomas started his job on Sunday night. He likes it, but he said it is hard work. He's working on the 4th floor in the dental school. He said there's no dress code or anything and he pretty much can do what he wants (as far as listening to music while he works or something). I'm just glad that he got a job. I had to pay all the bills again for July, but I just took money out of savings.

I talked to Tom and Monica about working this fall, and we decided that I could work on a PRN basis (that's Latin for pro re nata, which means as necessary) which is really, really great. So basicially, if I have so much going on with school on a given week, I won't have to work. But if I do have time to work a day or something, then I can and I'll just paid for the hours that I do work. It will be a HUGE decrease in income (to next to nothing), but school really needs to take priority over work right now in my life. If you get below a 76 in one nursing class, you fail the class. You can only fail one nursing class in the whole two years and you can only restart a class once in the whole two years. So you can't drop classes either if they're too much. It's tough, but it's that way for a reason. They want to make good nurses who can keep up with the pressure and responsibility of being a nurse. I feel up to it, today. And I do feel so much better knowing that I don't HAVE to work. Of course, I'll have to live off of student loans and stuff, but oh well, I can pay those off after I graduate and stuff. Not the best state of mind to have, but you do what you have to do.

Last week I did my Bible study on James chapter 1, and it was really great. The last few weeks I have been so frustrated in so many ways, usually just sexually though, in one or another. Mike and I are not kissing, or doing anything else, and it is really really hard to maintain purity. Usually by the time I do my Bible study though, I'm okay. Or I'm okay after I do my Bible study. Well last week, I was really discouraged because I felt like even though I could ask the Lord for strength and to take away the strain of striving to do the right thing and to take the battle or ease the battle, I didn't really believe that He would. I knew He could, I just didn't think He would. Well, my Bible study talked about if you are going to ask God for something, you have to believe that He is going to give it to you, otherwise don't ask for it. Talk about a "duh Tegan" moment. The Holy Spirit was definitely teaching me something and I was listening. So this week at the beginning of the week, on the way school, when I was praying, I asked God for a good week. I haven't had a spiritually good week in a long time because I'm always under such spiritual attack. I believed that God would give me a good week. And He has!! This week has been so great, and free from spiritual attack. Even when Mike and I drove down to Ardmore together (which was A LOT farther than I thought it was), I was fine. Jesus is so awesome!! It was so amazing! What was also just so awesome, was how the Holy Spirit taught me through His Word, and because I obeyed and read His Word, I learned the lesson He had for me, and applied it to my life and I have been blessed! :D I can't wait to see what he has to teach me next . :) We'll have to see . . . .

Well, I'm going to close for here now and head to OCCC to the library to study before going to Abby's house to do verses and stuff.

Good night for now ~ Tegan