I have to tell you, I have been living a really fearful life in the last few months. I realized this week how much fear had a hold on me, and it was quite the hold, let me tell you.
The thing about fear is that it can start so small and innocent and before you know, it has oozed into huge aspects of your life, especially your thought life, until it is paralyzing you. The Bible speaks about fear, and I know this, but for some reason, the fear that I have been dealing with in the past few months, I sort of thought that what the Bible says about fear didn't really apply. You know, because my fear is bigger than God. (What a sinner I am!)
This week, God showed me that He is bigger than my fear. And He can take away my fear, all I have to do is trust in Him.
So what is this fear I have had the last few months you ask?
I'll give you a hint. It has to do with pregnancy.
No, I am not pregnant.
I am afraid of getting pregnant again.
No big deal you might say. Use birth control. There's a problem with that for me. I have a very strong conviction about using hormonal birth control. So skip the pill, the patch and the IUD. Okay, I did get other contraception (a diaphragm - sorry for the TMI), but I hate using it. It hurts. Pain kinda kills the mood you know. So get fixed. No can do. Too afraid.
So how have I been dealing with this issue? By avoiding sex at almost all costs. And any kind of affection, that might in any way, lead to sex. I know this is a bit bold, but this is my blog and I'm putting it out there.
I realized I had come to a point in my life where I was too afraid to get a tubal because I was afraid it wouldn't be in God's will to get permanently fixed or that I wouldn't be able to nurse Daphne any more, but I was also too afraid to have sex in case we did get pregnant because I really don't think my body can handle carrying another child. I still have a lot of pain and my body is just worn out. And it shows. Every day. Three kids in 28 months will really take it out of you. Literally. Fear had paralyzed me and the one who was really suffering because of it was my husband, and therefore our marital relationship. Okay, so we were both suffering. And if Mommy and Daddy aren't happy, chances are good that the kids aren't either. There's a cascade effect going on here.
You see, sex is the glue that holds a marriage together. Sex is the sacred bond that brings a man and a woman together in a way that nothing else on earth can. Sex is the ultimate connection. And when you don't have that on a regular basis, you can start to drift apart. Little things start to wear on your nerves. And the next thing you know you're snapping at each other for the pettiest stuff. It's not good. For either person. And don't even get me started on the temptation that you are allowing to enter into the relationship.
I had a really good conversation with a very trusted friend who helped me realize that God loves to give us choices. There doesn't have to be one set path in life that if we don't follow exactly, we're not following God's will. It's okay to choose different things as long as we are not sinning in our choices.
This also helped me realize that fear is not in God's plan for us and that fear gives Satan a strong hold in our lives. I had let Satan have a foothold, not only in my life, but in my marriage to Mike as well and he had used to fear as that foothold. If not getting my tubes tied meant living a life of fear, then it probably wasn't the Lord's will.
So I released my fear of getting my tubes tied to the Lord and scheduled an appointment for a consult.
There's a second part to this fear thing though. I was still afraid to have sex because I might get pregnant. Last night the Lord revealed to me how much that was hurting my husband. The love of my life. My best friend. I realized that Mike had been feeling rejected as a man and as a husband because of my fear to be intimate with him. Ouch. Having my husband feel rejected, and possibly tempted, because I was too afraid to have sex with him is also not the Lord's will.
So I turned that over to the Lord as well. We're still going to use protection, but now I am trusting in the Lord that we won't get pregnant. And if we do get pregnant before I get my tubes tied, then it will be okay because the Lord will take care of us. He's got us in His hands and He is not going to give us more than we can handle.
Lesson learned: if you have a little fear in your life, before you know it, that fear can work its' way into huge aspects of your life and the next thing you know you're paralyzed with it and because of it. And you're hurting the people around you that you care about and love the most. So don't be afraid, trust in the Lord. Give your fear to Him. He can handle it. You can't.
"The Lord watches over you -
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all harm -
he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forever more."