20 January 2012

What a week

You know that New Year's Resolution I made? Yeah. Didn't last one week. Not one. Pesky resolutions . . . I knew it would be a bad idea . . .

I was sick this week. There is this stomach bug going around and it has stopped by our house three times so far this season. Just to see me! How sweet! Fortunately it only lasted about 24 hours. Also fortunately the kids have only been sick once. Mike's had it twice.

And yes, I vacuumed up all the crackers crumbs that the kids left on the carpet. Okay, okay. They aren't totally to blame. I ate a lot of crackers too. And we watched three movies. In one day. I just wanted to sleep, but that wasn't really an option until nap time .. .

Because I was sick on Tuesday, I didn't go to PWOC on Wednesday. I do that whole 24 hour rule that exists for sick kids. I figure it carries over into adulthood too. I was so sad to miss PWOC. Sniff sniff.

I was also really sad to miss my weekly break from the kiddos. SNIFF. SNIFF. And boy did I need it. I needed to connect with other women.

So while I was at home Wednesday morning, even though I was feeling better, I was playing some music for the kids on the DVD player and we were dancing around the living room like we do (yes, this white woman cannot dance) and I was swinging Edward around as we were dancing. My body rebelled.

And I strained/pulled something in my shoulder/chest. I say shoulder/chest because it felt like both areas, although later I realized it was really more in my shoulder. So then I couldn't pick up anything up the rest of the day without it hurting quite a bit. Makes for tense nursing!

Boy do I feel old! Straining something while picking my toddler up. So he weights a quarter of my weight. Still. Or maybe it's just that I'm so out of shape. Anyhoo. . .

I was really hoping to be able to go to Heartlink on the base today (Friday). I do want to go for the material, but my biggest reason right now for going was to get a break from the kids. I'd have Daphne with me, but Sophie and Edward would have gone to the CDC for the day. For free! And I've been trying to take a Heartlink class for years. It's a really cool class for mil spouses where they go over all kinds of military stuff. And I hear you get a coin. In the past, something has always come up and I've had to cancel. At least four times, probably five. This time was no exception. Except nothing exactly came up. When I called to sign up for the class, the lady handling the childcare part was out sick. When she called me back, I missed the call. I called her back twice, but she never called me back. Maybe she was sick again. Either way, I couldn't go without my kids being signed up for the childcare. So no Heartlink class. No break. No cool mil spouse stuff. Sniff sniff

This morning was just bad. I just had these overwhelming feelings of being an epic failure in everything wife and mother. Especially mother. And I seem to be offending friends right and left. Sometimes the feelings of not having it all together are just too much. Let's just say there was lots of crying. From all four of us.

And lately I've been doing a lot of thinking about time and life. You only get one life. One shot to do life. One chance. The older I get, the more I think about it, and the more I feel like a failure.

It's not that I have a bad life, because I don't. I just have all these pesky expectations that I never met that keep popping up in my face. My life just doesn't look at all like I thought it would. I don't have a Bachelor's degree. I don't have a career. I haven't done anything "great" with my life.

There's also this legalistic box I seem to put myself into. Sometimes I feel like I really understand the freedom of Christ, the freedom from the law. Other times I feel like that was just an illusion and I'm trapped by all these rules and expectations of what a "good Christian woman" should look like and be and do. It's rather suffocating. And today was one of those days. And I just caved and sat on the kitchen floor and cried.

Oh yes. I'm back there again.

Last week I felt so free in Christ. This week I feel like I'm a slave to the law of Christ. And not in a good way. Now I'm super tense and have a horrible headache and a guilt trip the size of Canada (no offense Canadians, you just have a rather large landmass area, so I'm making use of it) because of how I treated my precious children today. Not to mention Mike.

I really hope next week is better.


The Barrow's said...

Hang in there! You have an enemy - he is real and he lies to you and me ALL THE TIME. Hold on to the truth sister! Write the truth on a card and carry it around... that's something that really helped Joel a lot this spring. There is no cookie-cutter idea of a christain woman. His plan for you doesn't look like anyone elses : )

The Barrow's said...

Just thinking about you and wondering how you're doing. Loved the V-day card! I hope you realize that just having 3 children 34 months and under, and the fact that they probably have on clothes most of the time, have food and get some sleep... automatically inducts you in the super-mom hall of fame : )