This week, well, okay, last week, too, and maybe the few weeks before that, have been really chaotic around here. Well, mostly this week. And last week. Mostly mostly this week though.
Butterfly started school this week, and she really loves it! However, she started a few days after the rest of the school population because she hadn't had her IEP (Individualized Education Plan) yet, but we did that on Friday! Yay! Well, yay that it got done. I personally find IEP meetings very depressing, but they are worthwhile.
We started homeschooling this week. We only got halfway through our schedule because of unexpected situations (like missing therapy and having to reschedule).
Because Butterfly started late, the bus didn't have her on their route yet (yes, she'll be riding the bus), so I have had to take her to school. Distance wise - it's awesome. We leave ten minutes before school starts and lets out and get there on time. I could probably ride my bike and pull the bike trailer, but who has energy for that? Not me! Plus it's way to hot in the afternoon for that. So we've been driving. The down part is that I have to leave the house about 2 hours after getting home, which really cuts into quiet time. So Little Man and Flower have both been having naps cut short this week, which makes for crankiness all around.
Today, however, yes, today is different! The bus is bringing her home today! She finishes school in approximately six minutes, will then load the bus (I'm sad that I'm not there for her first bus ride) and then come home on the bus. It will drop her off right in front of our house, so all I have to do is watch for the bus and then walk to the end of the driveway to get her off the bus.
Other things that made this week chaotic: Butterfly has speech therapy once a week and I showed up an hour late for her speech therapy on Tuesday. I had it written on my calendar and everything, but I thought it was at 1000 and it was actually at 0900, so that was just awful. Of course we had to reschedule, but all that time was wasted - I was so mad at myself for that one.
PWOC (Protestant Women of the Chapel) had their Fall KickOff this Wednesday, which was really great, but I had to leave about half way through because Butterfly's school has a weird half day schedule, so she goes to school from 1100 - 1230 on Wednesday's. While I was getting Flower out of her classroom, Little Man burst into the annex where the teaching was going on (on the holiness of God, of all things - very reverent and all that) and yells at the top of his 3 year old boy voice, "I'm hungry, Mom!". I was mortified and trying to beckon him to come back while I collected Flower and all her things. He came back, but then ran back in there before I could stop him and did it again. I got dirty looks. Stressful. Enough said about that.
Yesterday Butterfly had a screaming meltdown while I was attempting to do the dishes before we left for Flower's kidney doctor appointment - and all because Little Man sat down at the little table where she was playing. He didn't try to take a toy or anything, just sat in one of the vacant chairs. So she tried to bite him and when I removed her to the kitchen and closed the baby gate, she got mad. Really mad. And screamed. And screamed. And screamed some more. I was one upset and angry Mama. Then we had to go to Flower's kidney doc appointment where Little Man removed his shoes and actually fought with me (in front of the doctor - horrors) about putting them back on. Then it was on to Target to get Butterfly's school supplies and Butterfly insisted, repeatedly, on walking on all fours, like an animal, which she was pretending to be. Then I ran into a friend in the shoe section and while I was attempting to talk to her for two minutes, the kids removed labels from the shoe aisle, even though all three were strapped into that super-long-holds-three-kids cart. More upset and angry Mama.
I was actually so done with the chaos and the screaming and all of that I stopped in at the Child Development Center on base and filled out the paper work to enroll Butterfly in full time care, starting on Tuesday. The school bus will pick her up there every day and she'll go from 0830 or 0900 until 1630ish, or whenever quiet time ends.
Today we had speech therapy, which went fine. They have an awesome play room for families who wait while one family member has therapy and Little Man and Flower love it. They have a cool train table and everything. Today though, once I said "two minutes" and was helping Flower and Butterfly clean up, Little Man darted out the door. And didn't come back. ::SIGH:: I tracked him down at the end of the hallway by the fishtank, and dragged him back to schedule more appointments. He has been do disobedient lately, it is driving me crazy.
I have just been at my wit's end this week. I may or may not have disappeared in the middle of making dinner to go cry in the garage last night. I just feel so done with motherhood right now. I know this is just a hard time and it will pass but man I am at my wit's end. I am hoping that having Butterfly at the CDC will help with things.
Mothering is just not something that comes naturally to me. I am not good at it. It has never been a desire of mine to be a Mom. I became a Mom because I felt that the Lord wanted me to have kids after I married Mike. I certainly didn't expect them to come back to back to back like they did. Victory to me is the kids are fed and dressed decently and some days, still alive, at the end of the day. I'm not crafty, I'm not a huge fan of going to the park, even though we have two right by our house, because the kids do not listen and I find it mentally exhausting to be on the constant vigil for safety reasons. There are three of them and only one of me. And Little Man and Flower are both little dare devils.
But for right now, I'm okay. Little Man is sound asleep upstairs. Flower is passed on out the couch. I'm sitting by the window watching for the bus. So there is peace for the next few minutes. Until the bus gets here and Butterfly comes home. Which will undoubtedly wake up everyone and the chaos will continue. And I'll have to make dinner. And I have pattimelts planned, so there is bound to be complaining from Mike since he has a PT test coming up. (If I had known that he was healthy-conscience right now, I wouldn't have put pattimelts on the menu.)
I need to remember to breathe. Yes breathe. And maybe go into the garage in the middle of fixing dinner to cry again.